Evil, Pure and Simple
by Random Guise
Summary: Kevin Lotterby, the young boy from the 1980 movie "Time Bandits" has grown up after the loss of his parents. A smoking chunk of Evil killed his parents, and he has dedicated himself to saving others from it. I don't own the characters from the movie OR look like Sean Connery.


**A/N: A few snapshots of Kevin after he's grown up following the 1981 movie "Time Bandits", using his famous warning line.**

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Evil, Pure and Simple

Kevin Lotterby lost his parents when he was eleven; that was bad enough.

They would still be around if they had only listened to him instead of touching the black lump in the toaster oven; that was worse.

After his parents exploded, he was forced to live with his auntie and uncle in their tiny apartment; that was the worst of all.

All this lack of happiness prepared Kevin quite well when he grew up; prepared him for the outside world with its general lack of safety, total disregard for common sense and the shockingly all-to-common phenomenon of people not listening to him either. He tried, there was no doubt about that; after confronting pure, ultimate Evil he was an expert and wanted nothing more than to save people the consequences of coming into contact with it. Having a Polaroid snapshot of the space-time Map provided him an opportunity to change history.

The world had other ideas.

...

Kevin stood outside Wembley Stadium in London while the line shuffled past to get into the venue to see the famed American motorcycle stuntman attempt to jump a staggering amount of buses. It wasn't going to work, he just _knew_ it. There would be disaster, and Kevin tried to warn them.

"Don't go in there, it's Evil!"

"Of course it's Evel; that's why we're going!" someone shouted in response.

A policeman who looked a lot like Sean Connery came by and ushered the distraught young man away from the people he was disturbing; he couldn't bear to see the televised replay of the accident afterward nor did he read about the injuries sustained from the famed stuntman who announced his retirement immediately afterward.

Ironically, the stuntman recovered from his injuries and retirement to do one more stunt before retiring again when the International Hospital Association refused to honor his frequent customer membership.

...

Maybe he needed to stick to the Evil he knew, Kevin thought to himself. There was nothing blacker than the blacky blackness of Evil; surely that was a sign he could read.

Kevin stood outside the window of the restaurant in the French Quarter of New Orleans and glared at the food that was just set before the diners on the table located on the inside beside the window. Besides the cutlery and drinking glasses, the table was now adorned with a large plate for each of the two diners. His eyes widened at the sight of the food; not the rice or the vegetables or some delicious-looking cheese bread that was a little singed, but rather the large slab of blackened redfish that the heavy chef had just set down in front of the salivating customers.

"Don't touch it, it's evil!" Kevin shouted through the glass. The lighting conditions and thickness of the glass made his warning unnoticed however, except for the policeman who was strolling down the sidewalk at the time. With a kind but firm nudge the officer who looked a lot like the first James Bond directed Kevin away and stood his ground while the young man departed.

Ironically, the next day the Surgeon General reported that blackened food was a source of carcinogens.

...

Although of a design that his grandfather might have seen, the automobile in front of him was shiny and new as it rolled off the Ford assembly line. The Model T was simple compared to the modern cars that Kevin had known, but it was revolutionary in its time for many reasons - its black only color notwithstanding. Its low price allowed it to get into the hands of many drivers, paving the way for future traffic jams, pollution and accident insurance fraud. As a man in coveralls approached the vehicle, Kevin yelled.

"Don't touch it, it's evil!"

The man emitted the sound of a scoff and reached for the car; Kevin didn't get to see what happened next as a gruff factory guard who looked like the guy that helped Eliot Ness in that movie escorted him off the premises. "Public transportation is better for the world" Kevin grumbled as he left the grounds.

Ironically, the paint was still wet on the vehicle and the resulting handprint required it to be painted all over again, slowing production and eventually causing the Great Depression of 1929.

…

Kevin stood in the back of the crowded control room of the space agency. Although most of the walls were covered by monitors displaying various graphs and tables of figures, the main screen showed the beautiful sight of a small drone moving slowing across the starry sky. The Prospector III spacecraft was designed to secure and return a small asteroid to Earth so that it could be studied in detail. As it inched toward the space rock that was only visible in the inky black sky when it passed in front of the light of a star, its robotic arms reached out toward the celestial treasure.

"Don't touch it, it's evil!" Kevin yelled as he rushed forward.

Kevin was grabbed by the nearest officer who looked a lot like a certain Russian submarine captain and taken away, but the yell startled the technician controlling the spacecraft and he jostled the controls. This resulted in a spastic punch from one of the robotic arms which caused the asteroid to sail away from the craft and become unrecoverable; the gathered crowd let out a collective groan as the rock tumbled away.

Ironically, the changed trajectory of the asteroid caused it to fall towards the sun just as the Earth intercepted its trajectory later in the year. This caused a slight catastrophe when it scorched its way through the atmosphere and took out that year's NASA summer picnic while it was in progress, along with a great many surprised and ultimately disappointed late scientists.

…

Once again escaping with his knowledge of time portals due to his photo of the time-space map, Kevin changed tactics and tried a place with no security personnel. It was hot, humid, and there was an odor in the air that was entirely unpleasant. Kevin likened it to the smell of evil with a side of rotting tuna salad, although in truth he had never smelled such a dish. The ground shook and he struggled to stay on his feet; looking up towards a large shadow that crossed the sun, he just managed to dive out of the way in time to miss being stepped on by a huge dinosaur. Oblivious to the smaller human, the reptile continued to shuffle forwards toward a dark pool.

"Don't touch it, it's evil!" Kevin yelled; almost immediately afterwards he wondered why he had even tried to warn such a creature. "Force of habit" he muttered as he watched the dinosaur walk up to the pool, take a long look at it and then walk around the ooze. Any further observations were cut short when a time cop who looked like the marshal in that Jupiter's moon movie popped in and removed Kevin before he could cause a Butterfly Effect to the future.

Ironically, later the dinosaur was pushed from behind into the black tar pit as a practical joke by his friends and wound up as a display in a museum eons later.

…

The thick London fog made getting about almost impossible. Kevin had managed to stumble into a pub and was waiting out the weather like many of the patrons. The air outside smelled as thick as it looked, and it even seemed to hurt a little to breathe.

The owner of the pub rubbed his hands together and made a remark about the chilly temperature while walking toward one wall where a small stove was built into the side. He put on a pair of grubby gloves and grabbed a nearby shovel before flipping open a large bin located along the wall. Inside the bin a mound of black rocks could be seen as the owner prepared to thrust the shovel into the pile.

"Don't touch it, it's evil!" Kevin shouted, dropping his pint.

The owner picked up a piece of coal and threw it at Kevin, demonstrating what his opinion was of Kevin's opinion. Other regulars followed suit, and Kevin ran out of the pub in a hail of combustible material.

Ironically, a week later several patrons died when a coal truck smashed into the pub due to faulty brakes.

...

"What's the matter, Kevin?" his auntie asked her nephew when he sat sullenly on the sofa.

"I tried to warn them, but nobody listened" he bemoaned. "All I wanted to do was help."

"Now dear, just because you might know what's best doesn't mean other people see the problem the same way you do. The best you can do is speak your mind and be proud of the fact that you did your best. You can't convince a carrot that it's a potato, no matter how much you try."

"I suppose not, unless the carrot is insane."

"Of course not. Now just relax and have a nice cup of tea while I put on the radio and play some music." His auntie walked over to the giant old radio with knobs the size of plates, clicked it on and then waited a short time for the tubes to warm up. In less than a minute the room was filled with soothing sounds of a string quartet. She smiled and left the sitting room, to return with a small box. "I've been saving these; I know they're your favorite." She opened the lid in front of Kevin to reveal a box of licorice; the smell of anise drowned even the mothball smell from her sweater.

"Thanks Auntie" he said as he popped a piece into his mouth and began chewing. "Good as always" he said. "Ever think about going into the candy business?"

"Let me tell you how I met your Uncle while pulling taffy" she grinned.

...

The medical examiner watched as the covered body of the deceased young man was loaded into the ambulance. "Such a pity, he was such a young man. Usually I expect older people to choke on food, from my experience anyway. I am sorry about your nephew Kevin."

"He had so much energy, and wanted to do so much good" the older lady said sadly. "I shall miss him very much." She pulled a small box from under her shawl and opened the lid. "Licorice?" she offered the man who looked like Indiana Jones' father.

The examiner wrinkled his nose and stuck out his tongue for a moment. "No offense madam, but I can't stand the stuff - it's evil!"

The End

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**A/N: As bizarre an ending as the movie had, you expected something that made more sense?**

**And for the record, I don't like licorice either although I love the smell of anise.**


End file.
